Wanna know what I think? Well, I'll tell you what I think.

As you'll discover, my point of view is definitely different. Read my thoughts, learn a few things, have a chuckle.

December 2, 2002

I had a business appointment today. I waited and waited but the individual never showed up. I finally called him to find out what had happened. He said matter-of-factly that he had changed his mind and wasn't coming. I asked him why he didn't bother to cancel the meeting. He replied that he assumed I would I figure out he wasn't coming if he didn't show up. He seemed genuinely puzzled that I would expect him to call to cancel the meeting. To work out my frustration, I tried to imagine the letter he might write to Miss Manners and her response:

Dear Miss Manners:

I had an appointment last week. The day before the appointment, I changed my mind and decided I didn't need the guy anymore. When I didn't show up at the appointed time, the guy called me to find out why I wasn't coming. He reproached me for not canceling the meeting. I don't get it. Why should I waste my time canceling the meeting? Actions speak louder than words: not showing up is the clearest way to convey that I am canceling the meeting. And it's not like I will need the guy again, so why should I treat him with kid gloves?

Puzzled in Pittsburg

Dear Putz-zled:

You have violated the Golden Rule and the rules of common courtesy. You should treat everyone with respect, regardless of whether you will need them or not. Call the gentleman back, apologize for your rudeness, and resolve never to be so callous again.

Miss Manners

December 3, 2002

I took a relative of mine to the ophthalmologist today to determine if she should have cataract surgery. The doctor, who must have been around 65 years old, was very gruff. We were sitting in the waiting room. He came out and called out her name. As we approached, he didn't make eye contact. He just pointed to the examination chair, closed the door and sat down to read her file. Then he turned off the lights and asked her to read the eye chart. He made no attempt to build rapport with the patient or even to be pleasant. To be a doctor, you have to like working with people but I've noticed that many doctors have no bedside manner. They don't seem to care about you whatsoever. They just look at you as a body part and a wallet. Like mechanics in a way. They would probably prefer it if the body part they were treating weren't attached to a Human being. That way, they could have you drop it off in the morning for them to work on it and you would pick it up in the evening.

When the examination was complete, he recommended my relative have cataract surgery. The surgery entails removing the eye's opacified lens and replacing it with an artificial intraocular lens (IOL). She asked him whether she would still need glasses after the surgery. He said yes because she has astigmatism. I told him that there are IOLs that correct astigmatism. He said he was not aware of that and that even if they did exist, they were not available at his hospital. What' most puzzling is that this was not some small clinic in the boondocks. This was a teaching hospital, one of the top five in the nation, and their eye center touts its advanced research.

This goes back to what I said last month about experts being inexplicably incompetent at what they do. Given that this ophthalmologist specializes in treating people with cataracts, he may be forgiven for not knowing much about fields other than medicine, or even about medicine in general. He could even be forgiven for not knowing much about the eye that falls outside of his specialty. But how can he have so little intellectual curiosity or professional zeal not to keep himself informed of major developments in his field?

I knew I had read about IOLs that correct astigmatism but after the doctor's reaction, I started to doubt myself. Maybe I had just anticipated a development that hadn't happened yet, like a modern-day Nostradamus J. Later that day when I was at a computer, I went to Google, my favorite search engine, and entered the words "cataract lens astigmatism". The very first result I got was this. Sure enough, the Staar Toric IOL corrects astigmatism and has been approved by the FDA. The Archimedes in me cried out: "Eureka!"

I was also thrilled to learn that clinical trials are underway for an implantable contact lens made by Staar. That means someday, I will be able to throw away my contacts and my glasses. I look forward to the day when I can wake up and not have to reach for my glasses to see whether it is Jennifer Lopez or Pamela Anderson who's lying next to me. Just kidding! Of course, I could recognize Pamela's breasts or Jennifer's derriere with my eyes closed.

I have considered laser eye surgery but there are too many downsides to make it a good option. I would not recommend it to anyone.

December 4, 2002

I called a company and was greeted by the following message: "You have reached the desk of (…). I am either on the phone or away from my desk. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a detailed message and I will return your call at my earliest convenience." So what he's really saying is: "however important your call may be, it takes a back seat to my convenience." He probably thinks the phrase "earliest convenience" sounds very eager and didn't stop to ponder the meaning of his sentence.

Don't you hate the phrase "I am either on the phone or away from my desk"? I must have heard it a million times. It's like when Donald Rumsfeld says "Bin Laden is either dead or alive." Well, duh! Or maybe they keep using that phrase to divert our attention from other possibilities: like maybe they're not really away from their desk but simply avoiding your call; maybe they're too busy shopping online; or maybe, just maybe, they're swinging from the chandeliers, who knows?

I saw one of Saddam Hussein's palaces on the news yesterday. The U.N. inspectors went there to look for weapons of mass-destruction. If Iraq is suffering so much from the embargo that its children are dying from malnutrition, where does Saddam get the money to build these palaces worth hundreds of millions of dollars? Even with eight palaces and over 50 residences, he still doesn't have enough room for his huge ego and his multiple doubles!

December 5, 2002

I've been wondering lately, what is Victoria's secret? Hmmm, perhaps her name is really Victor and he loves to wear women's lingerie.

If Victoria really has a secret, why is it on display in every single mall? At this point, it's an open secret.

Victoria's Secret got me thinking about other "secrets." Here's what I came up with:

· Secret Service Agents are easy to spot: the earpiece, the suit and tie, the sunglasses, constantly scanning their surroundings… I hope they're better at protecting the president than they are at keeping their occupation secret.

· Deadly secrets: a heart specialist in London found that "75% of the cases of sudden death during sexual activity involved people who were taking part in extramarital sexual intercourse." Which goes to show that a cheating heart is bad for your heart. Your conscience really can kill you.

· Flavored coffee like hazelnut and Irish cream were introduced not to pamper you but to allow coffee roasters to use cheaper robusta beans (instead of arabica beans). The flavors disguise robusta's inferior taste and help create superior profits for the four multinationals that control half of the worldwide market.

· If too many almonds in a chocolate bar are not completely covered with chocolate, the almonds will not stay fresh long enough. Therefore, before it is wrapped, that bar will be taken off the conveyor belt by the quality inspector at the chocolate factory. What to do with that bar and its ilk? In 1990, Hershey introduced Kisses With Almonds. Now all those bars with exposed almonds know how they will be reincarnated. Why is this being kept a secret? Because nuts everywhere might come to believe that they will get "Kissed" if they expose themselves.

· Did you know that Santa Claus is purely a commercial creation, and a recent one at that? It's true. Santa Claus was created by Coca-Cola for its Christmas advertisements in 1931. He has since relegated St. Nicholas and Father Christmas to the dust bin. Hmmm, now I know why "Coke" and "cultural imperialism" are so often used in the same sentence.

December 6, 2002

I've been wondering lately:

· If it's a World Series, then how come only American teams get to participate? Does the world end at our borders?

· In the Miss Universe pageant all the contestants are from this planet. Does this mean ours is the only planet in the Universe?

· If cops are such sticklers when it comes to enforcing traffic rules, then why are they so cavalier about breaking them?

· If we can spend billions to go to the Moon and Mars, why can't we afford to rebuild our decaying, crime-ridden inner cities?

Do you have a digital camera on your Christmas list? My advice to you is to spend a bit more and buy a digital camcorder. There are several reasons:

· A camcorder lets you take photos AND video.

· A camcorder's mini DV tape can store 500 pictures and the tapes cost just a few dollars. A digital camera on the other hand has much more limited storage capacity on compact flash cards that cost hundreds of dollars.

· You can archive your photos on the mini DV tapes instead of having to constantly upload your photos from the compact flash card to your computer and filling up its hard drive.

· Most importantly, you can record a video of your subject for several minutes and later choose the best frames to print out as stills. You have 30 crisp stills to choose from per second! You can capture very fast action and don't need to pose your subjects, resulting in more candid shots.

· With a camera on the other hand, if you don't press the shutter at just the right instant, you will miss your shot. Even if you take photos in burst mode, you can only capture a few frames per second and, in just a few seconds, the camera's storage capacity is exceeded.

Digital camcorders have a lower resolution than cameras but that resolution is very satisfactory for most uses. People who own digital cameras often shoot at lower resolutions anyway due to the storage limitations I mentioned above.

I recommend the Canon Elura which features a progressive scan CCD, which is a type of image sensor that allows you to get crisp stills from video. The Elura produces vibrant colors and broadcast-quality video.

December 7, 2002

Stop drinking coffee, it is bad for the rain forest. Why should you care? Rain forests are our planet's lungs. Without lungs, we can't breathe.

What is the link between coffee and rain forests?

Between 1990 and 2000, a million acres of rain forest that once blanketed the Central Highlands of Vietnam were burned down and plowed under to make way for coffee farms. Furthermore, the Vietnamese government resettled millions of people from crowded urban areas to the Central Highlands where the population exploded and threatens what remains of the rain forest.

Since 20% of the world's population is drinking 65% of the coffee, coffee marketers are salivating at the opportunity to sell more cheap Vietnamese coffee to the other 80%. More coffee sold means more rain forest will go up in smoke.

By the way, thanks to the resettlement of people to the Central Highlands, urban areas and the Central Highlands are now crowded. So the destruction of the rain forest did not even succeed in relieving the overcrowding. Given more space, people will reproduce more to fill it. If you want to lessen crowding, the only thing that works is education and family planning.

Both caffeine and nicotine are addictive but if you can kick the nicotine habit, surely you can quit coffee. Come on now, do it for our planet, do it for your kids, for your grandkids, and for your great grandkids.

December 9, 2002

I've been working on my Christmas wish list to send to St. Nicholas. This year, I wanted gifts that are both high-tech and that will save me time and money. So, Old St. Nick, here is what I would like for Christmas:

· A Roomba. A what??? ¡Ay carramba! I said a Roomba. That's a robotic vacuum cleaner that was developed by MIT graduates. It will automatically vacuum my house so I can spend more time creating new Inepto cartoons. And, St. Nick, it won't break your budget since it only costs $199. Pretty amazing, huh?

· Outlast Adaptive Comfort pillow cases, mattress pad and duvet cover. Thanks to micro-encapsulated phase change materials called Thermocules originally developed for NASA, the bedding absorbs, stores, and releases heat as needed to regulate temperature. That way, it will never get too hot or too cold under my covers and I will no longer have to rearrange my blankets all night long. A good night's sleep equals more energy to create dazzling Inepto cartoons.

· A Tempur-Pedic mattress. Tempur foam, based on NASA technology, is a visco-elastic, temperature-sensitive material that senses body weight and temperature then adjusts to relieve the pressure that causes poor sleep. Friends who own a Tempur-Pedic mattress say it's like sleeping on a cloud. They fall asleep right away and wake up feeling refreshed. As a result, they spend less time in bed and feel more rested.

· Supertherm paint-on insulation. My house was built before insulation was commonly used. Consequently, in the winter, the walls are always cold and the heating bills quite high. I could install insulation in the walls but that would cost thousands of dollars. St. Nick, Supertherm paint will only cost you $500 for my whole house. The paint contains ceramic microspheres that provide an insulation value equivalent to R-19. It could cut my heating bill in half. It's a product so advanced, even NASA uses it. It goes on like regular paint but produces a surface so tough, it resists to graffiti and can be easily cleaned with a sponge without the paint's coming off.

Looking back at my list, I realize the items I want have many things in common: high-tech, NASA, temperature, comfort, cocooning, sleep. I wasn't even aware of that until I wrote the list! There must be something subliminable (as Dubya would say) at work.

If St. Nick doesn't bring me what I asked for, I will request that the manufacturers send me their products for evaluation and I will post reviews on this site. If the products are as good as I think they are, the manufacturers and I will be very happy with the outcome.

December 11, 2002

I've wondering, how come Moslems can build mosques in this country but they won't let Christians build churches in their countries?

December 12, 2002

Some people confuse the Holiday spirit with alcoholic spirits.

December 13, 2002

A true story: a certain hospital billed an insurance company $25 for a "mucus collection system." Can you guess what it really was? A box of paper tissues.

December 18, 2002

I watched the final episode of the Amazing Race. That Flo is such a be-atch! She said she and Zach discovered that romance was not to be. Duh! I'll go further than that: nobody who watched that show will ever want to get romantic with that lunatic! She might as well move into a convent right now because she will never find a guy who will put up with her whining, mood swings, and bad attitude.

Zach, on the other hand, is a saint. He was patient, determined, perseverant. In one word: exemplary. He should get all the money. Flo doesn't deserve a single penny. Not only didn't she carry her weight, she was a dead weight that Zach had to carry the whole race. If I had a job to fill, I would hire Zach right now.

Everybody should participate in a race like this before they get married. If your future spouse's behavior under these stressful circumstances is tolerable, then you know you will be able to get along in your marriage.

lightbulb.gif (825 bytes) I do have two gripes about the show. One: at times it seemed the show had more advertising than actual programming. Even during the programming, there were numerous product plugs. It's just too much. Two: it perpetuates our stereotypical idea of travel overseas: "if it's Tuesday, it must be Belgium." The contestants see mostly airports that all look alike, and they zip through each country in a day watching it mostly through the windshield. Just pick one country and let the contestants and the public explore it in depth throughout the race. We might actually learn something about another country. Make the contestants to go through an immersion language course before the race and require them to interact with the locals only in the country's language. I bet the results will be both hilarious and instructional. In addition, the contestants' intellect would be put to the test.

December 19, 2002

On NBC Nightly News today there was a report on violent video games. Somebody must have read the comments I wrote last month because, lo and behold, somebody finally said what I've been saying all along: violent video games might not cause kids to become violent but they certainly do desensitize them to violence. Keep reading my diary if you want to be the first to hear new ideas.

The dovish Colin Powell came out and said that Iraq was in material violation of U.N. resolution 1441. That doesn't augur well for Saddam. Hey, Saddam: might as well start packing your bags, buddy. The fat lady has sung. No, no, Colin, you're not fat and you're not a woman. It's just an expression bud.

A lot of people have qualms about removing Saddam but why think that Iraqis, or Arabs in general, do not deserve a chance to live in a democracy instead of under a dictator? We helped the Germans get rid of Hitler. Imagine if the comments we're hearing these days were applied to Hitler: "what business do we have telling the Germans who their leader should be?", "if we negotiate with him, may he'll disarm", "let the Europeans work out their own problems", or "the Germans themselves will eventually find a way to get rid of him."

lightbulb.gif (825 bytes) It is estimated an invasion of Iraq will cost between $100 to $200 billion. According to my calculations, that's the equivalent of two to four years' income for each and every family in Iraq. Here's my idea: instead of invading Iraq, let's promise every Iraqi an equal share of the pot as an incentive for their deposing Saddam (à la French Revolution) and instituting a democracy. We'll give them all the advice and support they need. The Iraqi people will take to the streets, march on Saddam's palace, run him out of town, and spend the next four years spending their monetary reward, celebrating, and enjoying themselves. Instead of making enemies, we'll make friends. There won't be any American casualties and a lot fewer Iraqi casualties. Do you like my idea, Dubya? Let's talk.

December 20, 2002

I've been waiting since yesterday but Dubya has yet to call. The reality is that Humans spend much more readily on war than on peace so, unfortunately, my idea for Iraq will not find many advocates. Spending $100 billion to invade Iraq: "sure, we can do it." Giving $100 billion to the Iraqis to build a permanent peace: "you're crazy." This goes back to what I said last month about Afghanistan.

December 26, 2002

Andrew "Jack" Whittaker Jr. from West Virginia is the biggest single lottery winner in the history of the U.S. He won a Powerball jackpot of $315 million. The bad news is that he is already a millionaire and the money won't change his lifestyle (that's what he said). What a waste!

lightbulb.gif (825 bytes) Here's my idea: split the jackpot among three hundred families. Wouldn't you rather see three hundred happy newly minted millionaires than one guy whose life won't even be changed by the money? He said he would buy a helicopter and a car for his granddaughter. That's barely a million-dollar dream, not a $315 million dream. If I had won that kind of money, I would have changed the world. There are so many great and wonderful things you can do that can have a huge impact on the planet, on mankind, on this country, on an entire industry. What a missed opportunity!

A journalist said the Mr. Whittaker had a big heart because he wanted to gain enough new business to rehire the 25 people he laid off before the holidays. It just sounds to me like he's trying to drum up new business. If he had a big heart, he would rehire those folks right now – and he wouldn't have laid them off right before the holidays in the first place. I bet they had a rotten Christmas.

I noticed that Mr. Whittaker didn't have any teeth. In his excitement, he forgot to wear his dentures to the press conference.

He said: "I want to thank God for letting the machine pick the right numbers for me." Well, I guess God didn't have much to do that day so He said: "I'll help a millionaire get even richer and teach a lesson to all the lazy bums out there who blow their dough on the lottery hoping to strike it rich instead of working hard."

December 27, 2002

Pat Robertson said after watching a reenactment of the Nativity: "These were the most realistic scenes I have ever witnessed of what the birth of Jesus was like." Wow! I had no idea that Pat had actually witnessed the birth of Jesus.

This reminds me of a story about a Texas governor as told by Jimmy Carter. "There was a great altercation in Texas about whether you should teach just English in school or use Spanish for the little kids who had just come over from Mexico. It was a hot debate. Governor Ferguson finally decided the issue by holding up a King James Bible, and she said, 'If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for Texans'."

Why do they always say it's not Christmas without the snow? Somebody must have forgotten to tell that to Jesus when he was born despite the fact that there was no snow in Bethlehem.

Another true story: a woman at church was shocked when the priest said Jesus' family was Jewish. She collared the priest as she was leaving mass and said: "I always thought that Jesus was Christian."

Let's recap: On a cold, snowy night in Bethlehem, Pa. Jesus was born. The blond, blue-eyed infant was welcomed into the world by Pat Robertson who was clutching a King James Bible. Pat immediately baptized the child into the Christian faith and that is why Jesus was nicknamed Christ.

December 28, 2002

There was a news report today that most airports will meet the deadline for screening all checked luggage. That's fine and dandy but this measure was taken in the aftermath of September 11 and the irony is that screening checked luggage would not have prevented September 11.

December 29, 2002

An 11-year Palestinian boy, Abdel-Karim Salameh, was killed by an Israeli bullet on his way home from school. Captain Sharon Feingold, spokesperson for the Israeli Defense Forces said: "He was attacking our soldiers and they have the right to defend themselves using non-lethal weapons and rubber bullets are non-lethal weapons." This might take the cake for the most Inepto statement of the year. Let's break it down:

- "He was attacking our soldiers." Feingold alleges the boy was throwing stones at the soldiers. Reuters says the boy was "walking home from school, about 500 meters (yards) from a crowd throwing stones at soldiers." So he was not "attacking" now was he? Even if Palestinian children throw stones, I would not call that "attacking" a soldier. Imagine for a moment if some kids in this country were throwing stones at a passing police cruiser and the cop pulled out his gun and shot them dead. Asked why he did it, he would reply: "they were attacking me, I fired in self-defense." You can be pretty sure there would be a groundswell of outrage and the cop would get the death penalty. Doesn't "pick on someone your own size" mean anything anymore? Children throwing stones against soldiers in tanks armed with machine guns is as innocent a form of resistance as you can get without lying down in the path of a tank.

- "Rubber bullets are non-lethal weapons." Then how come they killed the boy and countless others? "Rubber bullets" conjures up the image of an innocuous rubber ball. Rubber bullets are actually metal bullets coated with rubber. At close range they are lethal. And when they don't kill, they can cause permanent damage.

lightbulb.gif (825 bytes) If the Israelis want to use non-lethal methods, why don't they use water cannons, low-frequency sound, or calmative agents?

December 30, 2002

In today's edition of Time magazine, it says that internal emails revealed that Merrill Lynch's analysts downgraded GoTo.com because it hadn't given Merrill its investment-banking business. Another reason why you should never, ever listen to analysts' stock recommendations. They will tout a stock to get the company's investment-banking business and they will pan the stock of a company they want to punish. That's the only thing an analyst's recommendation tells you. Now that the truth about analysts is out they won't be able to deceive the public anymore and will therefore become useless to their employers. They might as well start looking for another line of work.

As you know, I did a cartoon on the insincere apology of David Komansky, the CEO of Merrill Lynch. He said he was sorry for "the inappropriate communications brought to light by the New York state attorney general's investigation". "We sincerely regret that there were instances in which certain of our internet sector research analysts expressed views that at certain points may have appeared inconsistent with Merrill Lynch's published recommendations." For this statement, he takes the Weasel of Year award. He's not sorry that his analysts misled the public. No siree Bob. He's only sorry that his analysts were not complete drones who spouted what they were told but actually had a conscience that bothered them enough that they had to express their unease to their colleagues. For showing that he's not repentant at all, he should get another hefty fine that he should pay out of his own pocket.

Collectively, brokerage houses have paid $1.4 billion in fines and penalties thanks to the efforts of New York's Attorney General, Eliot Spitzer. They have admitted to no wrongdoing but have pledged to reform the way they compensate analysts. I don't think that goes far enough. They should be made to disgorge all their illegally-gotten gains and reimburse the investors they harmed. Why should they be treated differently from any other criminal? It is said that the people on Wall Street hate Eliot Spitzer. Yeah, like the thief hates the cop who busted him.

Go to January

Home